Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything by Alexandra Carter

Summary

'Ask for More' by Alexandra Carter offers a transformative approach to negotiation, emphasizing the power of asking the right questions rather than making demands. Carter provides a simple yet profound framework based on ten questions, divided into 'The Mirror' (self-reflection) and 'The Window' (understanding others), to help readers negotiate for their own interests in any context. The book is filled with practical exercises, real-world examples, and encourages a mindset shift from confrontation to collaboration. Carter, a negotiation trainer at Columbia Law, grounds her advice in both research and her experiences, making negotiation accessible for everyone.

Life-Changing Lessons

1. Effective negotiation starts with self-reflection; understanding your own needs and goals is crucial before engaging with others.

2. Asking open-ended, thoughtful questions often yields better outcomes than making demands or stating positions.

3. Every conversation in life—personal or professional—can be viewed as a negotiation, so these skills apply everywhere.

Publishing year and rating

The book was published in: 2020

AI Rating (from 0 to 100): 91

Practical Examples

1. The Power of Why

   Instead of jumping to demands, Carter suggests asking yourself why you want what you want in any negotiation. For example, rather than asking for a salary increase just because you 'deserve more,' get clear on your deeper motivations, such as career growth, recognition, or financial security. This clarity will help you communicate more persuasively.

2. Mirror Questions for Self-Reflection

   Carter introduces the idea of starting negotiations with 'Mirror' questions that you ask yourself, such as 'What do I want?' and 'What am I afraid of?' By understanding your own priorities and fears, you prepare yourself to engage more effectively rather than negotiating on autopilot or being caught off guard.

3. Listening for Interests, Not Positions

   In a workplace conflict over project responsibilities, Carter advises moving beyond positions ('I want this project') to underlying interests ('I want to develop leadership skills'). By asking colleagues open-ended questions, you can discover mutual interests and craft solutions that satisfy everyone.

4. Negotiating at Home

   Carter shares examples like negotiating household chores with family members. Instead of assigning chores, she suggests discussing each person's preferences and constraints. This turns a potential argument into a problem-solving conversation that builds fairness and cooperation.

5. Asking 'What Does a Great Outcome Look Like?'

   Rather than focusing on what you don't want in a negotiation, Carter suggests asking the other party, 'What does a great outcome look like to you?' This opens up the conversation, surfaces hidden interests, and often leads to creative solutions.

6. Salary Negotiations with Empathy

   Carter demonstrates how to negotiate salary by asking your manager about the constraints they're facing, then sharing your own needs. Through this exchange, both sides gain context and often discover options that hadn't been on the table, such as flexible schedules or professional development funds.

7. Identifying Your BATNA (Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement)

   Carter illustrates how important it is to know your alternatives if a negotiation doesn't go your way. She offers practical exercises for evaluating your options and using that knowledge as leverage, whether you're buying a car or negotiating a contract.

8. Dealing with 'No'

   Instead of seeing 'no' as a rejection, Carter advises treating it as an opening for further dialogue. She gives examples of how to respectfully probe for underlying reasons behind a 'no,' which can lead to problem-solving instead of shutdowns.