Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations by William Ury

Summary

'Getting Past No' by William Ury offers a strategic approach to negotiating in tough situations, focusing on how to break through resistance and reach mutually beneficial agreements. The book outlines a five-step method—'don't react, disarm your opponent, change the game, make it easy to say yes, and make it hard to say no.' Ury emphasizes empathy, patience, and creativity as essential tools when facing difficult counterparts. By shifting from confrontation to collaboration, he demonstrates how to turn adversaries into partners and achieve satisfying outcomes.

Life-Changing Lessons

1. Don't React: Ury teaches that it's crucial to control your own reactions in a negotiation. By staying calm and not immediately responding emotionally, you gain the upper hand and prevent escalation.

2. Step to Their Side: Showing empathy and acknowledging the other party's concerns defuses hostility and builds trust, opening the door for cooperative problem-solving.

3. Build Them a Golden Bridge: Helping your counterpart save face and making it easy for them to say yes transforms resistance into agreement without sacrificing your own interests.

Publishing year and rating

The book was published in: 1991

AI Rating (from 0 to 100): 88

Practical Examples

1. Going to the Balcony

   Ury suggests during a heated negotiation to 'go to the balcony,' meaning to mentally distance yourself from immediate emotions and reactions. This allows you to observe the situation objectively, so you can respond thoughtfully, not impulsively. For example, if a counterpart makes a personal attack, take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to collect your thoughts before replying.

2. Defusing Attacks with Empathy

   Instead of pushing back when faced with an attack or insult, Ury recommends using empathy to acknowledge the other person's feelings. For example, if someone is angry and says, 'This is completely unfair,' you might respond, 'I can see why you're upset and that this feels unfair to you.' This often reduces tension and makes the other side more open to dialogue.

3. Reframing the Conversation

   If a negotiation gets stuck on one point, Ury advises shifting the focus from positions to interests. For example, if someone insists, 'I want a higher salary,' ask, 'Can you tell me what’s most important to you about the salary?' This can uncover hidden interests like job security or recognition and leads to creative solutions.

4. Making It Easy to Say Yes

   Ury encourages making proposals that meet the other side’s underlying interests and are simple to accept. For instance, when negotiating a business deal, break the agreement into smaller steps or add incentives, making it less daunting for the counterpart to agree incrementally.

5. Making It Hard to Say No

   When a counterpart is resistant, Ury suggests strengthening your best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA). For example, if negotiating a contract renewal, quietly secure alternative offers so you're not reliant on a single outcome, thus making uncooperative behavior costly for the other party.

6. Neutralizing Dirty Tricks

   If someone uses pressure tactics (like deadlines or threats), Ury recommends calling out the tactic without confrontation. For instance, if faced with a take-it-or-leave-it offer, you might respond, 'Are you saying that if I don’t agree right away, the offer will be off the table?' This brings the tactic into the open and often diffuses it.

7. Changing the Game

   Rather than arguing within the other party’s chosen frame, Ury proposes changing the rules of the negotiation. If someone tries to make it a win-lose fight, suggest joint problem-solving or brainstorming sessions to find options that satisfy both parties.